Posted on May 16, 2012
I’m proud to announce that my blog here at ADD Consults has been voted in the top 20 of all ADHD blogs by Bryan Hutchinson over at ADDerWorld. Check out who else made the list.
Thanks, Bryan!
Posted on May 13, 2012
(Reprint 2006)
This weekend, hundreds of thousands of families will celebrate Mothers Day. Some of us moms will be treated to breakfast in bed, special brunches out, or perhaps delicious hugs and heartfelt cards from our children, both young and old. Perhaps many of us will be unintentionally hurt by our kids with AD/HD, triggering yet another sense of loss and disappointment, because they’ve…..yes….forgotten to pick up a card, or flowers. Or in some situations- sadly- even the phone.
At 8pm last night, my flight from NYC landed at Detroit Metro airport. I’d been gone nearly a week- longer than I’d ever been from my family before- and I returned with mixed feelings. My travels took me to the ADDA conference in Orlando, where I’d presented on “Survival Tips for Women with AD/HD”, then on to NYC, where I’d been part of a media event to discuss the FDA approval of a new AD/HD med- a patch called Daytrana.
Those of you who are mothers of children with AD/HD, might understand this mixed bag of guilt and relief I was struggling with. Though I knew my AD/HHHHD daughter was in good hands during my travels, I couldn’t help but wonder how many times she’d forgotten her lunch money. Or if she’d remembered to shower and brush her teeth. I worried about what papers from school got lost.
In the back of my mind during this time away, I knew that Mothers Day was inching up and I couldn’t help but think- am I glad to be away from home? Away from the daily stresses of raising a child with AD/HD (and in my case, other significant special needs?). The combination of guilt and relief nearly consumed me. So I decided to take the opportunity- Mother’s Day- to reflect on this and share them with you. Perhaps you will relate.
I personally don’t believe that mothers get enough positive feedback or support for the challenges they face on a daily basis in raising their kids with AD/HD. Or even without AD/HD, for that matter! Here’s a sample of a typical day of parenting my daughter, Mackenzie. Does any of this sound familiar to you?
It’s 7am. My daughter, a poor sleeper, has already been awake for 1 ½ hours. Luckily, my husband, also an early riser, has made sure she’s taken her meds and has gotten some breakfast into her. The bus is here. My daughter races through the house looking for her shoes, runs out without her jacket, runs back in to find her backpack, but still forgets her jacket. Mind you, we already have systems in place for all of her things to be in ONE spot so this doesn’t happen on a daily basis. Yet, it still does.
7:30am I have her IEP sitting on my desk to sign. It took 6 months to get it right, yet I still haven’t signed it because I forgot to add a goal/objective that I think is important for her school success. Do I sign it anyway? Or make the teachers crazy with my new concerns?
1:00pm I email her teachers, to check in to see how things are going. This is a weekly ritual. Without it, I wouldn’t have much of a clue as to how she’s doing. Why? Mackenzie also has a language impairment on top of her memory issues and AD/HD, which makes it hard for her to relate to me what her day was like, or what work she is doing. Or what materials she may need to bring to school.
1:30 I find out from one teacher that she’s having significant difficulties remembering to bring her papers and book to class. That triggers me to check and see how many pills she has left in the medicine cabinet. I’m horrified- we’re down to two doses. I call her doc to get refills and pray she’s in the office.
3:00pm School lets out. Where are the papers for me to sign? They are already lost. I ask how her day went and already physically and emotionally spent from “keeping it together” for seven hours, she stomps out of the kitchen, and promptly attaches herself to her computer to unwind from the stresses of her day. Study after study suggests that kids spend too much time hooked up to gadgets; they need to be outside playing and getting exercise. Guilt hits. Yet…as a severely hyperactive child, she moves more in one hour than most do in 3 days.
5pm. Time to figure out dinner. Wait, did I mention that I, too have AD/HD and find planning daily dinners almost impossible? Add to the mix an AD/HD child (or two or three), and your meal choices are extremely limited. Some kids could eat cold cereal every night and be perfectly happy. As mothers, we feel compelled to fit the perfect mom mold, and try to conjure up ways to give our picky eaters foods that are healthy. Mackenzie, like most kids with AD/HD, is exceptionally picky. My guilt buttons are pushed again as I serve yet another dinner of macaroni and cheese for her, with a side of peas. She refuses the peas- again- but fortunately, agrees to a piece of fresh fruit. I’ve been given a small emotional reprieve for this one bit of healthy food I’ve been able to get her to consume.
7pm. I go through her schoolbag, searching for the VIPs (very important papers) from school. My hands get slimed from the half eaten snacks floating around in that canvas sack. Papers are fist- crumbled, laying on the bottom. I pull them out and find that two are already overdue for my signatures. The good news is…no homework! I’d insisted at her recent IEP that all homework be completed in school. Getting my child to do homework after spending her whole day working so hard, became impossible. Hovering over her every day only created tension and anger between us. Unlike most children, she does not typically or consistently learn from the consequences of her behaviors. So, getting Es from incomplete homework does not motivate her to do it at home. The school staff told me that I was enabling her by not enforcing homework. But they don’t live with this child. She simply cannot DO it at home. To me, having a healthy and positive relationship with her was far more important than World War Homework on a daily basis. My IEP team was furious with me, but I didn’t budge.
9pm Bedtime routine begins. We use reminders. We use schedules. We rarely ever change routines, knowing how difficult it is for her to get back on schedule once it’s been changed. Even for a day. Yet, as every night before, there is the complaining, dawdling, “just one more TV show, mom”, and worse….the mood swings. Transitions from free time to bedtime are horrific, even with gentle transitions INTO transitions.
Tonight is Shower Night. Now most girls her age no longer need reminders to watch their hygiene. Mine needs cajoling. We are both already completely spent by the stresses of the day. Yet they still aren’t over. Again, she does not always learn from the consequences of her behavior and could care less if she goes a week without showering.
10:30pm Her bedtime meds have long ago kicked in (insomnia is seen frequently with AD/HD kids and they aren’t always due to the stimulants taken much earlier in the day). She’s hobbling around in a stupor, so exhausted, yet her body and mind still can’t shut down. I ignore her, knowing that when she’s tired enough, she WILL go to bed. But I’m wrong. Again. She gets distracted, impulsive and can’t force herself to call it a night. I need to intervene yet again.
11pm She is asleep. For the first time since 3pm, I am off duty. But MY mind doesn’t shut down for a few more hours yet, because *I* need some down time that is not interrupted by the chaos of raising a child with AD/HD.
Mother’s Day is just around the corner. We’ll go out for brunch and I’ll observe the elated moms, with their brood showering them with attention and gifts. Some have stories much more complicated and difficult than mine, but I’ll still wrestle with the mixture of guilt and happiness, thinking- am I a good enough mother for this very needy and challenging child?
Posted on May 09, 2012
When I present on ADHD throughout the country, I always feel an intimacy between my attendees and myself. I think part of that is due to my being pretty open about my own ADD related challenges. My goal has always been to normalize as much as possible, the ADD symptoms many of us share. When I explain that I can’t keep track of papers or that my upstairs is, well…at times a mighty mess…it helps others to feel they aren’t alone!
So today, I’d like to share with you a few facts about me that you might not have known. Enjoy!
I think the “take home” message here is that we all have our challenges, but it’s important to remember our strengths, too. What do you want to share about yourself? What are you great at? What stumps you? Share them in myFORUM , at The Hangout board.
Posted on May 02, 2012
by Larry Rosen, Ph.D. in Rewired: The Psychology of Technology
Recently my research team observed nearly 300 middle school, high school and university students studying something important for a mere 15 minutes in their natural environments. We were interested in whether they could maintain focus and, if not, what might be distracting them. Every minute we noted exactly what they were doing, whether they were studying, if they were texting or listening to music or watching television in the background, and if they had a computer screen in front of them and what websites were being visited.
The results were startling. First, these students were only able to focus and stay on task for an average of three minutes at a time and nearly all of their distractions came from technology.
[By the way, other researchers have found similar attention spans with computer programmers and medical students.] The major culprit: their smartphone and their laptop were providing constant interruptions. We also looked at whether these distractors might predict who was a better student. Not surprisingly those who stayed on task longer and had study strategies were better students. The worst students were those who consumed more media each day and had a preference for working on several tasks at the same time and switching back and forth between them. One additional result stunned us: If they checked Facebook just once during the 15-minute study period they were worse students. It didn’t matter how many times they looked at Facebook; once was enough.
Read more here: http://
Posted on April 23, 2012
Here it is, almost the beginning of May, and every magazine you open contains articles about spring cleaning. With the weather improving, the urge hits to get outside more and enjoy the break in weather. It’s hard to imagine spending more time indoors to do what many of us hate to do: cleaning and organizing. Not only do we hate it, we’re often paralyzed, not knowing *how* to do it: which cleaner do you use for the floor?
What’s the best way to clear out the garage, when there are so many steps to consider? As adults with ADHD, breaking down large projects into smaller ones can seem almost impossible when even deciding on where to start can be overwhelming.
Further, we get distracted, we procrastinate and before we know it, spring has morphed into summer, then fall and winter and the cob webs from last year are still hanging in the closet. As you read the richly detailed magazine articles, you feel a pang of anxiety, depression, guilt and even a drop in self esteem, as you wonder why it seems so easy for others to do this, but for you, it’s an obstacle bigger than life.
Read more HERE
Posted on April 18, 2012
Last summer, I attended a retreat for women artists and musicians. I met some great people and had a wonderful time, listening to musicians and learning more about songwriting. I even played a few songs myself, which is no small feat, given my horrible stage fright.
But besides coming away with a few Brownie points for bravery and connecting with kindred souls, I learned something else that I think about nearly every day.
My friend, the gifted musician Jan Krist, was one of the leaders of the retreat and led a workshop on creativity and fear. As a group, we were commiserating about the difficulty in writing songs, when she quipped:
“Don’t do it because you have to; do it because you can.”
In the context of creativity, that made a lot of sense. But I carry that phrase in my back pocket 24/7. When I don’t feel like exercising, I remember those words, get off my butt, and grab my running shoes.
When I don’t feel like doing laundry, the words scream at me and I get to work.
Same with managing bill paying, washing dishes, and just about everything else I avoid doing (someday, cooking will fall in that category, I hope).
Write this down. Put it in your pocket or tape it to the wall. Think of all the things you keep putting off because you don’t have the time or motivation, or because you’re glued to the computer playing games or checking out Facebook (don’t even get me started with Pinterest!).
Don’t do it because you have to; do it because you can.
Posted on April 16, 2012
Marcia Hoeck of WorkingWithADHD.com interviews me this past fall at the 23rd Annual International Conference on ADHD.
In this interview, I talk about the challenge women with ADD often have juggling all the things on their plates, especially if they’re also running a business, and the self esteem issues that can come along with these struggles.
Take home point: considering all the things you do well will go a long way in bolstering your self esteem and giving you the strength you need to move forward.
Posted on April 10, 2012
Check out my POS Plan (Plan or Starve)! All you need are a handful of index cards and three minutes of your time to watch my video. Just click on my face : ) Send me YOUR questions at question@ADDconsults.com
Posted on April 09, 2012
By Susan Lasky and Harold Meyer
You fell in love with his boyish enthusiasm, adventuresome spirit and easy-going charm. Now you are frustrated that he decides to go skiing instead of shoveling the snow off the walkway, or forgets to take the children to the dentist.
You were fascinated by her many interests, creativity and “enjoy the moment” approach to life. Now you are fed up with the clutter of her incomplete projects, and annoyed by her indifference to planning meals and shopping.
It is easier to love someone with ADHD than it is to live with them.
You began your relationship as lovers, partners and equals. But, over time, if the non-ADHD partner feels the ADHD partner fails to carry their fair share of daily responsibility, the balance shifts. The non-ADHD partner may become frustrated, disappointed, angry or detached. It is ironic that those character traits that initially attracted you are often those that create the most conflict as a relationship matures.
Read more HERE
Posted on April 02, 2012
PsychCentral.com wrote a fantastic article on the continued stigma of ADHD and what we can do about it. They interviewed me and my colleagues Drs. Ari Tuckman and Stephanie Sarkis for the piece,”Breaking the Silence of ADHD Stigma.”
You can read it here: http://psychcentral.com/blog/
What do you think? Has it gotten better since you or a loved one has been diagnosed with ADHD? Or…not?
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