4-26-2023
Here’s my list of what I’m exploring this week.
What I’m Saying
ADHD and Grieving: My Story
11 days ago, my dear mother passed away. She was 95 ½ years old. She’d not been well for many years but the last year was really tough as her body and mind began to fade away.
Towards the end, she no longer knew who I was. For someone – me- with ADHD- I understood how memory can fail us. But when you see your own mother struggle and feel the confusion of daily life, it really struck home for me. She’d lost her ability to communicate, yet she greeted me each week with a huge smile, grabbed my hand, bringing it her mouth with a kiss.
As she began to fail, it hit me hard. I was losing her again- first through her memory loss, then physically, as she began to waste away. Most of us will lose our parents at some point in our lives. With our ADHD, we may not really think about that, especially in our younger years. We get so busy with our lives- raising our kids, working, getting overwhelmed with our daily to-do lists and all the things that we manage, often with great difficulty.
I’m in my late 60s now and intellectually knew this time would come someday. But still, when I got “the call” (which I’d been expecting for a good week), it felt like a cannonball blew through me. On the one hand, I often said how lucky I was to still have a parent at my age. On the other hand, as much as I thought I was emotionally prepared to lose her, it still came as a surprise.
Where is the ADHD content in all of this? I will tell you: I don’t know. Not yet, because I’m still reeling from it all. I do know that I am more overwhelmed emotionally than some of my family members. I know that I had to shut down and go on autopilot. Is this from ADHD? Or is it normal shock and grief? I don’t know.
Here’s a few tips:
Don’t wait until it’s too late to make amends with someone you love. Of course, there are circumstances where that may not be a good choice for you.
Don’t wait to visit someone who is aging or failing. When you’re with them, be WITH them- in the present- even if they can’t understand you or reach out to you. They will feel your presence and be calmed by you.
Say what you need to say before it’s too late.
Maybe these are the ADHD clues: we procrastinate, we often avoid unpleasant things. Don’t let your ADHD get in your way. Work with a therapist if it is.
I’d sure like to hear from you what your experiences have been. Please do post your thoughts in the Comment Section below
What I Listen to When I’m Stressed
….or if you can’t fall asleep…like me, lately! I shared some last month with you but here’s a great one of a conductor who tapes the sound of her trains:
https://www.youtube.com/live/lx5vVGxusnc?feature=share.
And here are videos of them:
https://www.youtube.com/railcowgirl. Check out her Facebook page for more: https://www.facebook.com/RailCowGirl.
What I’ll be Reading
I’m not at the point, yet, of reading books on grief, but here are a few that I may look into in the future.
Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief
By Tom Zuba
https://amzn.to/3AC1Yyx
The Orphaned Adult: Understanding And Coping With Grief And Change After The Death Of Our Parents
By Alexander Levy
https://amzn.to/40veEBJ
What I’m Listening To
The Beatles are always near and dear to my heart and this song seems to be appropriate.
I’ll follow the Sun
One day you’ll look
To see I’ve gone
For tomorrow may rain
So I’ll follow the sun
Some day you’ll know
I was the one
But tomorrow may rain
So I’ll follow the sun
And now the time has come
And so, my love, I must go
And though I lose a friend
In the end, you will know, oh
One day you’ll find
That I have gone
But tomorrow may rain
So I’ll follow the sun
Yeah, tomorrow may rain
So I’ll follow the sun
(repeat)
Listen to it HERE.
Favorite Instagram Meme
Hey! Follow me on Instagram for memes, quotes, and random “Terry Thoughts.”
What Else is New with Terry?
Enjoy short blurbs and tips for women with ADHD. C’mon in and visit me there: https://www.tiktok.com/@terrymatlen
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Dear Terry,
With my sincere sympathy and understanding. I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mom.
To date, I think the death of my Mom is the hardest loss I’ve felt. That was in 2011 and I still think of her every day.
I’m also in my late sixties.
I was gifted a book in 1985 when my Dad died called ‘Living when a Loved one has died’ by Earl A. Grollman. It has only a few words on each page and offered me great comfort in the emotions I felt. Since then I have given a copy to many, many different relatives and friends when they’ve been confronted with a death. It’s always been appreciated. Perhaps you may find comfort in it also.
I’ve also read, as well as seen in person, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, who founded The Center for Loss and Life Transition in Colorado. He is on tour in Canada and the US and offers free seminars on grieving and mourning.
My life’s work for the past 25 years has been companioning the elderly as they age with dementia or loneliness. I’ve committed to each one from the moment I meet them until their last breath – having many times had the honour to be there at that moment.
I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until about 5 years ago at the age of 64. I now understand why working one on one with someone has been so rewarding for me.
I appreciate all that you are offering to the ADHD community and look forward to more of your wisdom with my Thanks.
Again, I offer my sincere condolences.
‘Death ends a life, not a relationship’. Morrie Schwartz (1916 – 1995)
With a gentle hug,
Christine (Edmonton, Canada)
Hi Christine,
Your words are so wise and comforting- thank you for reaching out. I think I’ll take a look at those books.
I’m sorry for YOUR losses. I don’t know that it’s any easier when our parents are elderly; it’s still a painful loss.
I’d be interested in hearing more about how your ADHD has helped you in the wonderful work you do. I wish we could clone you! I can’t think of anything sadder than a person dying without loving support nearby.
Thank you again, Christine.
– Terry
I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 7. I always felt like an outsider in my family. Both my parents were very controlling authoritarian, strict parenting parents. I struggled my whole entire life in this family. Even as an adult I’m still not accepted by them nor do they care to understand my situation. Back then they told my mother when I hit puberty that I would grow out of it and be fine. So about 12 years old they took me off my medication stopped me from going to my child psychologist and that was it nothing else was ever said about it. Well I never grew out of it. It is basically destroyed my quality of life, taken from me everything that I truly loved. My life is just been one disaster after another. And I have been left alone with no help from anyone to struggle trying to figure out this world and my place in it. Failing time and time again. Always begging for my family’s love and understanding. Just wanted to be accepted for who I am and not what they thought I should be. My mother and I relationship was tentative at best. My mother was so very controlling. And with me she would be callous and cruel sometimes. I hated her with the same passion that I loved her with. Constantly needing her approval and her acceptance and always falling short. I understand my mom better than she understood herself I knew why she was the way she was and I accepted her for that. And I dealt with the heart-wrenching things she would say to me. My family’s love is very conditional and I never meet those conditions. No matter how many times they slighted me, turned their back on me, stabbed me in the back, conspired and plotted against me, lied and stolen my most precious reasons for not letting go of this horrid life. And yet I am consumed with this gut wrenching pain for the loss of my mother. I feel even more lost and alone now than I ever did before. It’s been 9 months since she passed away and yet the overwhelming grief that I feel for this woman who has damaged me, let me down, and deeply wounded me is unbearable. And even more confusing because I don’t understand after all she has put me through and done to me why her death takes the breath right out of my lungs. Why am I so affected and how do I make it stop? I am going to be 45 years old and I have nothing but heartache and failure and pain and loss to show for my life that I struggle each day just to get out of bed and be present in this world. And my mother’s death is more than I can carry. They basically walk around in a fog I’m doing stuff everyday but none of it means anything. I’m just going through the motions. I don’t know any of the terms for the symptoms of my ADHD. But I do know that my ADHD is a key factor in the depth of emotions that I feel. And I feel as if my ADHD is preventing me from processing and moving on.
Hi Michelle,
Thank you for sharing what had to be very difficult for you to write. I am so sorry you’ve had such a rough go in your family and how it continues with the passing of your mother.
What you are describing is so complicated- the years growing up, how you were treated, how it affected you then and now…the emotions you are dealing with now.
I would guess that ADHD is part of this but I think there is more. You weren’t given the appropriate treatment for your ADHD. You felt (understandably and rightfully), mis-understood.
But I truly believe there is hope for you. It will take a lot of work on your part, as well as partnering with an excellent therapist, to wade through your past and present. Please reach out to a professional and get on track with not only your ADHD, but the many years of hurt you’ve experienced and how hard things feel for you even know. Please don’t wait.
– Terry
Also I’m so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and your mother had a good relationship. And I feel your pain. And I hope that you can get through the grieving process without any hiccups so that you can live your life.
Thank you, Michelle. It was rough growing up but we worked things out once I grew up, thankfully.
-Terry