Last week found me in an MRI tube having a scan of my brain. I’d consulted with a neurologist to get to the bottom of my chronic headaches and the doc wrote a script for this awful test to rule out anything scary. I knew years ago that it would come to this some day, thus my reluctance to make that appointment with the headache specialist. How in the world would I be able to get through an MRI? I’m claustrophobic, have ADHD, and have anxiety attacks. No way.
The doctor handed me the script and I made the call, shaking inside, envisioning myself acting like a total fool, as I’d most certainly need to push the panic button so I could get the heck out of that clanking machine.
The following week came way too fast and there I was: in a metal tube. I’d been told that the open MRI is perfect for the anxious patient because you can see out. What they neglected to tell me is that with a brain MRI, you have to wear a special helmet-like apparatus that makes you look like a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Wayne Gretzky. Which meant I couldn’t turn my head to see out. I felt like a caged tiger. A wise person warned me: close your eyes before they slide you in and do NOT open them until the test is done.
I did just that and for the next 45 minutes was tortured by the banging, clanking non-stop noise of the MRI machine. For someone as sensory-sensitive as me, this was no picnic.
It took every ounce of my creative ADD brain to come up with things to think about that would keep me calm and not reach for that panic button. After 30 minutes, the tech came out of nowhere with a 10 ft. long NEEDLE to insert dye into my veins. Oh my…..nothing in my brain could turn that scary image away.
Another 15 minutes in the tin can and…whew…I was done.
What in the world does this have to do with ADD?
I work with men and women from all over the world who consult with me for their ADD related problems. “I am a loser.” “Who could possible love me?” “I’m going to lose my job.” On and on it goes and my heart breaks a hundred times over when I hear the details of their stories.
But in my heart, I know that as we all face adversities, whether it’s a silly little medical test or the loss of a loved one, we all have an inner strength that gets us through some pretty awful times.
This weekend is Mother’s Day. Can you give yourself the gift of forgiveness for being so hard on yourself all these years? Can you reach into your memory and pull up examples of when your ol’ brave self came to the rescue and got you through a rough spell?
I would love to hear your stories. Please do share them in the comment section below.
As you told your stories, my blood pressure went up as I relived my own brain-MRI experience. The clanking and banging and humming, with no regular pattern, made my entire insides hurt. Another thing to check off my bucket list of “things I never wanted to go through but did, and survived”. Praying that you find an easy remedy for your headaches Terry!
Oh, Patty! So sorry you went through this, too. I hope your report came back ok and that you NEVER have to go through that again. I know some people take sedatives…
All of my life I have felt like a loser! My mom didn’t help any by verbally abusing me most of my childhood, telling me that I would never amount to anything or can’t you do anything right? It has scarred me for life and even though I’m 57 years old now and a grown woman… when things go wrong with anything in my life- I beat myself up literally. My marriage has failed where I’m divorced and feel like my ex husband loved his alcohol more than his wife even though I tried everything and anything to make our marriage work. I stuck it out for 35 years, hoping and praying that he would stop drinking or at least slow down as he has a lot of health problems. I failed miserably trying to make it work, the last five years of our marriage I struggled with the decision whether to leave him once again as I had already left him twice before and even told him that if I left him a third time that I wouldn’t be coming back no matter how much he begged and told me that he loved me. I wasn’t happy most of our marriage because when he drank I felt invisible, unloved and unattractive, I tried talking to him about his excessive drinking and he would say stupid things like “Well I have to drink something!” Him and my younger brother even joked and said “We’re not alcoholics as we don’t go to AA meetings”… they thought that it was okay to joke about it at my expense.There were other reasons other than his drinking though… as he’d always lie and be manipulative just so he’d get his way. And because of my big heart and always trying to give people benefit of the doubt… I was used by his half sister and helped her and even let her use my truck while I was working but after her boyfriend’s youngest daughter kicked a hole in the dash- I refused to let her use it anymore only to be yelled at and be called ‘two-faced’! My ex husband knew that I was right in what I was doing but didn’t have the balls to tell her off as well as her bipolar boyfriend. Then my youngest daughter lost her son to his daddy(because of the many different CPS cases against her and her soon to be ex husband(he’s sick in the head as he verbally abused her and her son), his daddy used to tell my grandson from the time that he was 1 and half years old ” Nobody loves us, everybody hates us”… just because the daddy couldn’t get his way. I begged the two CPS caseworkers three cases ago… telling them what I heard his daddy telling him time and time again as well as calling him ‘stupid and retarded’! But it didn’t do any good as I even said “How much suffering does my grandson have to go through before you do something like take away their parental rights”! Even a psychologist said that they were not capable of taking care of their son but then didn’t put that in the report to the CPS main caretaker! I feel as if I failed to protect my grandson and that’s the hardest thing to swallow. And then because of all of the stress of the divorce and the CPS cases I couldn’t focus on my full time job where I had worked for 15 years at a job that I loved… so I got fired. Now because of my financial situation I had no choice but to move back in with my ex husband and so he’s getting what he wants now while on a daily basis I think about suicide! Meanwhile I am in a relationship with a man who I love very much but he seems like a loser too because when I try and be honest about my feelings and thoughts and try to be kind about expressing how I wish that he would open up to me, send me a new picture of himself… he always puts me off! Then it’s like he’s Mr. Perfect and always makes sure to make me feel like I’m always the one who’s wrong. Why do I seem to attract Losers as most of the men in my lifetime have just used me to satisfy whatever they wanted or needed from me and then the hell with my needs and wants! I don’t want another failed relationship but I feel like I’m always sabotaging my relationships, I really love this man and want to marry him… but at what cost, where do I draw the line? As I have been trying to read from my bible and be a better Christian woman, but the relationship feels all one sided where I feel like I’m doing all of the giving! I have made myself vulnerable to him and have been an open book as I’m brutally honest and have told him some things that most people don’t even know! Why can’t he trust me enough to do the same thing? I even said that how is our relationship supposed to grow if he can’t connect with me? It feels like he’s using me e b even though he says all of the time that he loves me but his actions speak louder than his words and it seems like I’m always the one to be apologizing. He has apologized before but was sarcastic about it when I tried to explain how he makes me feel all over again how my ex husband made me feel unloved and not cared about!