ADHD and Poor Self-Esteem: Time to Change Your Story
I’ve worked with medical doctors, attorneys, professors, teachers, artists, musicians, writers, journalists, and others with advanced degrees. I’ve worked with women who struggle as moms raising one, two, even five children. I’ve listened to women attack themselves with self-hate as they work behind a cash register, file papers, scrub kitchens, drive busses.
In other words, I’ve worked with women with ADHD from all walks of life, and without many exceptions, all of them have either whispered to me or shouted to themselves: I am STUPID.
ADHD means having difficulties in many areas of our lives: memory, disorganization, time management, moodiness, jumping from one project to another without finishing any of them, getting distracted, and so much more. Is it any wonder that we clobber ourselves with thoughts of I am STUPID. I am INCOMPETENT. Even: I am WORTHLESS. And a biggie: SHAME. Why can’t I do what others do so easily- what is wrong with me?
ADHD takes such a toll on many of us with ADHD and one of the largest is how it hits our self-esteem. Big time. Regardless of your background, whether you have three college degrees or lack a high school diploma. Whether you graduated first in your class or flunked your GED. Whether you earn a million+ per year or are barely getting food on the table (and having trouble figuring out how to cook it), it’s the same.
Here’s my pep talk.
Every single woman with ADHD I have ever met has something wonderful to offer. Creativity. Sensitivity. A special awareness of her world. Sense of humor. Kindness. The list goes on. But do we focus on these wonderful traits? Not always. For some, even less than that. Why? Partly because many of you have grown up hearing these exact words: You are stupid. Or, what is wrong with you? Or, just try harder.
Sometimes the messages are more subtle: if only you’d pay attention in class, you’d get great grades.
As adults, we hear similar messages. And you know what? After a while, we internalize these messages and come to believe them.
Today, I encourage you to grab a scrap of paper and write down five things you like about yourself- it can be anything, I don’t care. But isn’t it time to begin believing in yourself? Yes, there are struggles- I understand that. If you can begin to turn the switch a bit and see yourself as someone who has abilities, intelligence, a kind heart…the list goes on…it can be the first step towards improving your self-esteem. And when that happens, others begin to notice. You’ll be treated and respected more. You’ll feel more comfortable in your own skin. You’ll begin to move in a more positive direction. It’s not easy, but it can happen.
Of course, counseling/therapy works wonders, too. So if you’re suffering from feeling knocked down all the time, please do seek professional help.
In the meantime, I am daring you, my readers, to list five things that you like about yourself, things that you do well, and post them in the Comment Section below.
I may not know you personally, but today, I am proud of you!
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Terry Recommends
I am SUPER excited to share with you a new resource I discovered: Your Therapy Journal. It includes prompts, guided sessions, goals, check-ins, your session notes, and so much more. Make the most of your therapy sessions!
You can also find these helpful resources as well (all at MyTherapyNotebooks): The Anti-Anxiety Notebook, Depression Guidebook, Trauma Workbook, and Sleep Workbook.
Get the most out of your hard therapy work as well as your own personal work outside of the therapist’s office.
Look What’s Coming!
My friend, Dr. Gabor Maté’s new book The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture will be available September 13, but you can pre-order it right now.
I’ve known Gabor for well over 20 years and if you haven’t read his other books, or seen his interviews on YouTube, or learned about his work on his website at www.drgabormate.com/…you have been missing a lot. His work is life-changing, life-altering. He certainly has changed mine.
ADHD PROFESSIONALS: SCROLL DOWN FOR
IMPORTANT INFORMATION!
I get a lot of emails and guess what the #1 question I get is:
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I’ve researched the handful of ADHD directories online and decided that I’m going to develop the best one, ever. One that is user friendly. One that doesn’t frustrate you or make your eyes hurt. One that is comprehensive, where you can find therapists, doctors, coaches, educators, clinics, etc. One that is up to date, and much more.
** We’re almost ready to launch, but if you are a professional or have a service or product and would like to be first in line or want to know more my new directory, email me at support@addconsults.com.
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(I have a limited number of slots available; if you don’t see a time that works for you, email me at terry@ADDconsults.com).
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5 Things I Like About Myself: I’m funny, I’m compassionate,I’m a good listener, I have good ideas to offer in a meeting, I show love to most of the people I come into contact with and I’m trying to make it all people. I think that’s a really great start!
Kami, I think that’s a *great* start! I love your list!
I loved the article. I can’t think of five things, maybe four.
Becky, I’d love to hear about your five things. 🙂
Great Idea, Terry. I did something similar last year when at a particularly low point, but I wrote each “goid thing about me” on an index card, then I can access them whenever I need to. Since I love colir, I used different bright colirs for each thing. Here are five
I am:
Creative
Smart
Kind
Generous
Curious
BTW writing the cards, I was able to come up with a lot more than five.
Thanks,
Goldy
Goldie- I love that idea of writing them down on index cards and keeping them handy as reminders, especially when we’re going through a rough spell. I can’t tell you how many wonderful traits- like yours- I see in people with ADHD. Thanks for sharing!
Yesterday I got in an argument with my mother (who, BTW, knows I have ADHD, but will insist that I forget “on purpose” and that she shouldn’t have to ask me twice) when I told her that when she dismissed my suggestions but accepts the same idea from someone else it makes me feel bad about myself. Her swift response was “That’s silly, I can’t make you feel anything. If you have a low self esteem that’s not my fault that’s on you.”
Immediately I found myself immediately starting to feel ashamed that I’d allowed myself to be so weak and bam! Her words and the consequences were my fault. How do you stop believing things you’re parents tell you about yourself even as an adult??
Hi Wendy. That is a great question to be asking in this situation. I think the way to stop believing these things is to strengthen your sense of self. That might take getting some distance from people who are hurtful rather than supportive and learning from others how to care for yourself. Then you’ll have some breathing space and will be able to see those messages for what they are–not yours.
A coach gave me an exercise for this–visualise writing some of those messages on a piece of paper, putting the paper in a gift box, wrapping the box nicely, and then giving it back to the person who gave it to you in the first place with this: “These are your words. I am returning them to you.” I actually write the messages on a piece of paper, do the visualisation, and then shred or burn the piece of paper.
Sometimes it’s appropriate to set boundaries with people and sometimes it’s just poking the bear. In this case, I would ignore any unfounded criticism coming at you, while you develop your self-esteem. For help with that, search online for information on gaslighting, coercive control and narcissistic abuse. The book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” might also be useful (https://willieverbegoodenough.com).
I hope this is helpful and I wish you all the best.
Okay…here we go..
Kind to others
good at organizing
problem solver
share my happy nature with a smile
thrifty (not wasteful) 😉
well, that was fun!
Wow- now this one is interesting: good at organizing. Can I borrow your brain? 🙂
At 57 I still can’t even.name 1 good thing about me
Aww…Patricia! There must be things that you like about yourself. The fact that you are thinking about the question and giving us a serious answer, tells me that you’ve had a really rough go growing up, to feel this way. 🙁
This is a powerful and welcome exercise, Terry–thanks!
My five are:
I am playful.
I am smart.
I am kind.
I am flexible.
I am brave.
Woo hoo! Now I’m going to put these on index cards like Goldie 🙂
5 Things I like about myself:
I’m resourceful
I’m curious and am always learning new things (including about myself), open to new ideas
I’m adventurous, willing to try new things and willing to talk to new people
I’m loving and empathetic
I’m good at solving all sorts of puzzles
(posted these in the wall in front of me to remember!)