I’ve been involved both professionally and personally not only in helping moms with ADHD (many who have children with ADHD or other special needs) but also in my local community, supporting parents with challenging children.
In addition, I have a young adult daughter with special needs (and severe ADHD), so I know first-hand what goes through many of our minds as we raise and support our kids, regardless of their age, as many need our help throughout their lives.
When I work with moms with ADHD who have challenging children, regardless of their diagnosis, I’ve come to learn that we moms are really struggling on many different levels.
We are exhausted. Our days are often filled with conflict, managing difficult behaviors. Then there are IEPs. Doctors appointments. Therapies of all sorts. For many, it’s simply trying to survive one day at a time.
I remember years ago when my daughter was quite young and her needs so demanding, being told that “God chose you to care for her.” Or “You were given a special child because you are a strong and special mother”, or “She just needs more discipline.” Things of that nature. I would bristle each time and get angry and then depressed.
Little did they know what ran through my mind. Thoughts that would sometimes keep me up late at night because I felt so guilty. Words and feelings that *many many* parents of special needs kids think but would never share with another human being on this planet.
Fast forward 30+ years and I’ve decided that as a professional- a psychotherapist *and* mother of a young adult with ADHD and other special needs, it’s time to clear the air and embrace the truth:
Many of us parents, struggling with our own ADHD (and/or anxiety/depression/fill in the blank) often have fantasies, wishes, and thoughts about how we really did not sign up for this most difficult job. Many of us became quite depressed for the loss of the idealized child- the baby we held so close, dreaming of what the future would hold, as we finally became a family.
That loss is real and it’s important for moms (and dads) to acknowledge these secret feelings.
Lately, I’ve been talking about how we, as moms with ADHD, need to start listening to those secret thoughts deeply hidden in our psyche, so we can heal, shed the guilt, and then become better parents to our children.
What are some of those thoughts?
- I’m a terrible mother. I can’t manage my own stuff- how can I help my child?
- I don’t dare have another child; I can barely survive with this one.
- I’m pissed off. I’m ANGRY. My life is not my own- it’s always going to be about worrying and caring for my child.
- I’m depressed. I wanted a child so badly and now he/she/they have taken over my entire life. I’ve lost my husband/partner, who didn’t want to (or couldn’t) walk through life with me and a difficult child with needs.
And yes, even this:
- Sometimes I wish he/she had never been born.
And for some, even worse thoughts.
It’s important to understand this: thoughts and wishes don’t mean you are a bad person. It doesn’t mean you will act on these often terrifying wishes. It means you are human and life can be difficult and unfair at times.
Forgive Yourself
My hope is that these words will help you to normalize your feelings and thoughts. It means you are not alone. My wish is for you to forgive yourself and accept that this is a normal part of parenting, period, but more so when you have a difficult, challenging child under your roof.
Get Support
There are organizations out there for those touched by ADHD. They offer great supports via online groups, conferences, and much more:
ADDA (www.add.org)
CHADD (www.chadd.org)
Facebook has a bunch of great support groups as well. I run a few of them- the very large, active Women with ADD ADHD, and the more tight-knit and smaller group for Moms with ADD.
Consider working with a therapist to help you deal with your struggles.
Connect with other parents who have difficult children.
My hope is that this alleviates some of the anxiety and guilt you may have been carrying for 2-50+ years. My hope is that you’ll share some of your feelings in my comment section on my blog. Because we all need to know that we aren’t alone with our concerns.
Share your thoughts in the comment section below.
Terry’s Top Picks
If you found my article above helpful, check out my interview with Bob Dietrich of the ADHD Toolbox LIVE where I discuss this topic in depth.
Terry Recommends
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I get it. Because I have ADHD, too, and over 25 years of experience working with adults with ADHD.
Learn more and set up an appointment here
(I have a limited number of slots available; if you don’t see a time that works for you, email me at terry@ADDconsults.com).
* Like this article? I write about all kinds of ADHD experiences here on my website in the blog section, and if they spark something in you, talk to me! I offer online consultations for men and women with ADHD.
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I have huge guilt. Trips to Walmart get expensive because I want to get them whatever that want to see their smiles. My guilt is leaving their Dad who was abusive, my bad ADHD & I think high fan autism plus anxiety. Im totally a socially awkward mom. My kids are not. I avoid people, they are outgoing beautiful people. My parents were not affectionate at all. No hugs no I love you. No positive words all yelling. My guilt is so overwhelming. I DONT know how Im not a bad mom. Im trying everyday to hug & say I love you. Because that’s #1 to me since they were infants. It feels natural after 15 years now..lol the guilt remains that I feel like a hipacrit telling them to organize when Im a mess
Valerie,
Thanks for your very brave post. From what you’ve shared, I see love, kindness, and understanding. You are thinking of their needs IN SPITE of your personal struggles. I’m hoping that you can work with a therapist to manage this guilt you are hanging on to, which I believe stems from your own childhood needs being unmet. Please consider that- you don’t need to keep punishing yourself.
Valerie, I know exactly what you mean about feeling like a hypocrite.
I didn’t know I had/have ADHD. I have a wonderful daughter that in her teens could be passive aggressive. I married my second husband and his two boys. Our kids were 8 and 10. My daughter and his youngest were only a month a part. The oldest boy was very strong willed and I had no idea how to deal with him. All 3 of them are so smart and kind and considerate… Most of the time. 😉🥰
I was lucky to get them to school on time. Sometimes I didn’t. It would always be the crazy mad dash to get out the door. Sometimes there would be yelling and tears and I would feel so guilty I would cry all the way to work. I loved them but sometimes it was overwhelming for me. I felt like God had only meant for me to have one child, what the heck was I doing? This is too much! I felt like I was missing some important mom abilities and that my mom gene was broken.
Even now that their grown and have families of their own or they are starting their own families… I’m not one of those mom’s that calls them every day, or even every week. And then I feel guilty because I don’t. And then when we do talk, sometimes we can talk for hours. Sometimes just a few minutes. Sometimes if everyone is around too much I feel smothered and I need my space.
Of course, not everything was bad. There were definitely a lot of really good times. There were a lot of times I would overcommit to lot’s of things and then do my best to try to go above and beyond to try to be perfect. The perfect class mom. The perfect field trip chaperone (I would be so drained afterwards). The perfect band mom, football mom, etc.
Now that I know I have ADHD, I understand some of these things more, but it doesn’t make it easier. I still feel guilty for mistakes I can remember as clear as if they happened yesterday. Times when I completely lost it. I feel like I’ve been sort of faking it all my life. I’m just on the edge of being really good but I can never quite get there.
Kim,
Your post touched my heart. I really do understand those feelings and look how they’ve had a hold on you! They’re grown now yet you’re still punishing yourself. You were/are a good mom. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t have written this and shared it. I’m wondering why you need to keep punishing yourself, though. I’d suggest talking this out with a therapist to find out the bigger picture- you didn’t know you had ADHD. You were overwhelmed, yet kept trying trying trying to be THE best mom. Moms who don’t care don’t do what you did. Yet in spite of your ADHD, you gave it your all. I hope you can get to the point of letting go of this guilt—