Today’s topic is one I rarely see discussed in books and articles: ADD women and sex.
ADD follows the woman into the bedroom, often creating havoc in her intimate relationships and self-esteem. It shouldn’t come as any surprise- ADD symptoms such as impulsivity, distractibility and inattention can make it difficult to connect with one’s partner. Then there’s tactile defensiveness (hypersensitivity to touch) that often plays a huge part in making intimate moments difficult.
On the one hand, many women with ADD find that sex calms down their nervous system just by virtue of the heaviness of their mate’s bodies. Many women have told me that their hyperactive/impulsive bodies crave that type of sensory experience- the sexual act itself is often secondary. A similar scenario would be the child (or adult) with ADD or Autism who calms down when sleeping under heavy blankets.
It would make sense, too, that a hyperactive woman might find sexual activity pleasurable because of the intense physical contact- the thrill of the moment- and the disinhibited physical movement involved.
But many impulsive ADD women can often find themselves in quite a bit of trouble: by rushing into a physical relationship without thinking of the consequences, which could be anywhere from becoming emotionally and physically abused, to a loss of self-worth, to contracting a STD.
Inattentive, dreamy women, have their own issues. But one they share with their hyperactive/impulsive counterparts is the “D” word: distractibility. Though inattentive women seem to be lost in their own world at times, that world is typically very very interesting. In fact, I think most women, regardless of their subtype, have hyperactive brains- they just can’t shut them down.
So…in the moment of passion, where does their thinking go? Often it jumps around like a ping-pong ball: “Did I take the clothes out of the dryer? Did I pay the bill? Will I have time to finish that report?”
Just as many hyperactive/impulsive women might crave intense physical contact to calm down their nervous system, many with inattentive ADD, especially, might find sex to be downright uncomfortable, if not painful. These women are hypersensitive to intense sensory experiences, and might flinch if their partner touches them too roughly or conversely, too lightly. They may retract and avoid sex, even.
What’s a woman to do?
First, read as much as possible to better understand how your ADD interferes with intimacy. All these years, you might have thought you were the odd one out, but I can tell you that the situations described above are quite common.
Obviously, good communication with your partner is imperative. Chances are, your difficulties have been chronic and neither you nor your partner ever understood the connection. With understanding comes the ability to solve problems, so you’ve now gotten through the initial steps of improving your sex life just by reading this.
If distractibility is an issue, discuss new ways to make sex more exciting. There are plenty of books and online sources to help spice things up in the bedroom.
If your impulsivity contributes to making poor, dangerous decisions, think ahead and come up with alternatives. If you know you’re likely to go home with a stranger you’ve just met at a nightclub, stop going! Or go with a friend who is depending on you for a ride home.
Impulsivity (and other ADD symptoms, of course) can also be controlled by ADD medications. So having a frank discussion with your doctor should help tame your behaviors.
For the hypersensitive, again- open discussions with your partner- explaining, guiding him/her with what is comfortable for you, is necessary. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader.
To stay focused in the moment, turn off all distractions: TV, lights (though for some, seeing more vs less is helpful).
Set up specific romance dates in advance to help you get into the mood. Many women have complained that a spontaneous suggestion from a mate is too difficult due to having to stop an activity and transition to the bedroom. Tell your partner you need hints or scheduled time in advance to help you transition into the bedroom.
These are just a few ideas, and if you’d like to share yours, please do so in the comment section below.
I’m glad to know that issues in the bedroom finally have a reason. I have difficulty achieving orgasm with my husband. Distractability being a cause and not being in the mood most of the time another. Almost worse when he says, “lets focus on you”… too much pressure to perform. I wish I knew some simple solutions. I haven’t found much to read about ADD and sex.
It’s so true. Since I’ve been researching my diagnosis – which I received when I was in my 40s, I’ve quit being upset w/myself when I realize that I’m thinking about ridiculous things while we’re actually engaged in the most intimate things. Now I just say (again and again) “it’s my ADHD taking over” And come back to being present. He just says that “I go away at times”.
Very interesting article! I agree, there isn’t much out there..I started looking for info after I was diagnosed and put on medicine, which boosted my sex drive and ability to “enjoy” sex way more than I ever had. These are some good tips, thanks!
Besides the challenge of ADD, I was fondled by my critical oversexed father every Sunday up until age seven. I thought that was why I had problems with sexual intimacy. I figured it was the reason I seemed rather detached when trying to connect with my partner. Apparently that was only part of the deal. I often lose interest while having sex, just wanting it to be over. When everything comes together right, I probably have more intense sensations than most. But, I do get bored easily and need novelty which I rarely get. I guess I am going to have to be more creative and learn to say, “Hey, I need some romancing, find some appropriate music, a great scent, interesting lighting, let’s try a new position or place.” Just once I wish he would do these things without me asking,
Mick Jagger said it best, “You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, You might just find you get what you need.”
I’m guessing you must have not taken an antidepressant if you have some intense sensations, because I’m pretty sure taking them is the reason I don’t have them (not with a partner anyway)!
I can totally relate to the blog and discussion – but have not been in a romantic/sexual relationship for more than 20 years due to my best friend/husband/lover’s passing – i was still in my late thirties when we were in a tragic car accident . . . however, i chuckled when i first read things on this subject, because i was married to the perfect mate. I was not diagnosed until years after his untimely death, but he was the most patient of men, and always took the time for me to catch up with him . . . as i took forever – i mean f-o-r-e-v-e-r to get my mind, heart and body lined up – but we did have passion for each other, supported each other when we needed to talk and he understood my ebbs and tides of energy . . . for we finally figured out the best time for intimacy was in the wee hours of the morning before he had to get up for work & i to get the kids off to school. . . . both he and i went on our separate ways with smiles on our faces . . . and he kept our intimacy burning by phone calls throughout the day, as he was able to manage, in the days before cell phones and beepers . . .
i guess what i am saying, is that i was blessed, and although i only have memories, i have learned to chuckles and the funny things that happened during intimac y and intimate attempts – because i now know why. forget the man “pill” – boy oh boy, what my vyvance would have done to our marriage back then!!!! or even today. But because we probably would not have discovered my ADD, inattentive form, due to his unique ability to meet me where i was, and stay with me until i “met” him, IN ALL AREAS OF LIFE, i probably never would have had the ADD employment difficulties, etc., because my employment was never primary, my hubby was the breadwinner. It was those difficulties and by teaching a classroom of kids who had all the variations of ADHD, that i researched and discovered my own.
Wishing everyone who reads this blog and post well, a good sense of humor and discovery of what works best in their relationships. Your answer is there – take the time to find it!
KC, What meds boosted your sex drive? Are you willing to share?
I’ve had the opposite problem. I crave sex. I love intense stimulation. I seek the excessive stimulation of an exciting time in bed. I use my ADD and need for sensory stimulation to hyper-focus on the sensations, the activity, what’s next. I admit I have gone home with a stranger or two, but it’s been worth it. For the experience, the skills I’ve learned over the years. I’m not saying be unfaithful, but if you’re not in a committed relationship, explore. Use that fabulous ADD mind to learn all you can. Any partner will be glad to reap the benefits of your experience and practice.
To Ellen- testosterone. Your doc can prescribe it for you. I recommend bio-identical cream. A little dab will do ya. Just a bit behind the knee each day, and in a week, more or less, you’ll be feeling frisky.
To all: talk, talk, talk. It helps me stay focused on what’s happening. I have learned to use a sexy running narrative with my partner. I’ve never met a man who didn’t like it. And the talk just heightens awareness and keeps the mind stimulated along with the body. It’s delightful.
I encourage you all. Enjoy. Get rested (nothing kills sex drive like tired.) Then get busy.
V
I have used the bioidentical horomones. I took them for menopause, hot flashes. I didn’t experience a sexual boost. I quit them when reports came out on the health risks of any horomone therapy.
I have used the herbal supplement called Maca. It is available inexpensively through Swanson’s Vitamins on the web. There are no known risks. They have given me just enough lift to increase my interest in sex.
Before I was diagnosed, I got there and got ‘mine’ so fast (hyperactive imagination and hyper sensitivity working against me) that I’d simply be done and lose interest. OK, what’s next? Yeah, I had men complaining. Imagine a guy complaining about a woman being a ‘ten-second marvel’! That was me. The Daytrana patch changed my sex life for the better! The rest was just a matter of adjusting my ‘speed’ to my partners. I can think of worse ways to spend a rainy Saturday…!
I myself can relate to liking the “heaviness” of a partner you’ve described. The partner I found a couple years ago is definitely my sexual “soul mate.” At 59 yrs old, after finding him, I crave sex much more than I used to. Only problem is, I still have much difficulty with orgasm (with a partner) Probably due to taking an anti-depressant. I’ve tried a few ADD drugs but they never seem to work out in the long run, so I go back to an anti-depressant. Can anyone else relate to this? I haven’t tried Vyvanse, maybe I should!