Every weekend, our newspaper delivers a special supplement that is chock full of interesting tidbits that focus on home living: recipes, decorating, home repair, etc.

Last week, an article ran titled “7 Easy Steps to Dressing a Table for Dinner” and I just had to laugh. The piece was chock full of great ideas for displaying a beautiful dinner table, but how does that help me if I can’t figure out WHAT to cook, let alone how to display it like an artist’s masterpiece?

Here are the seven steps:

1.Pick your theme

2. Start with a great base

3. Pick powerful plates

4. Add flatware

5. Select gorgeous glassware

6. Tuck in a napkin

7. Add layers of fun

So…I came up with the Matlen version:

1. Theme: Circus. That’s pretty much how you’d describe mealtime at my house.

2. Base: Vinyl table mats. Easy to clean up.

3. Plates: Paper. Ok, kill me for not going green. But for me, it’s all about survival.

4. Flatware: Plastic. Kill me again.

5. Glassware. Hmm..they suggest gorgeous. Do plastic cups come in patterns?

6. Napkin: why is this one singular? With my crew, it’s a stack in the middle of the table. I can’t tuck in 10 napkins under one (plastic) plate.

7. Fun: How about playing The Guessing Game? All members of my family have to guess what’s on their plate. Losers get to wash, er…throw away the dishes, while mom retreats to the hammock to recover from the train wreck of a dinner preparation.

So, do you think I should submit my ideas to the newspaper?